Delete

There is a lot of freedom when you hit the delete button. It is like setting something free, letting go. Today I deleted an email from April 2008. It was from a very close, dear friend of mine, who in a time of crisis felt alone, bitter and angry toward some of those people close to her.

It was the type of email one would write when you are so angry at a situation that you want to punch the wall. So instead you sit down and you write. Years ago, it would have been a hand written letter and once written, you would feel better and you would tear up that letter or burn that letter and move on.

Well that didn't happen, instead the email was sent. It was read out loud to my husband and summarized to a few other family members. Tears were shed for many months after. It was a breakup. A friendship breakup after 30 years. And it involved more than just two people, it involved families.

I have kept the email in my saved folder (why do we do that? I don't know) and during the first year I occasionally reread it to remind me why my friend no longer wanted to speak to me. Eventually I was able to laugh and joke about it. But was that just my defense mechanism, a way to avoid the pain? The hurt of the breakup remained.

People come in and out of our lives, they leave an imprint on our souls. And when they are gone that imprint remains, as does all the many memories, so much time shared together. The delete button doesn't remove any of that and I wouldn't want it to.

Our individual actions impact the lives of those around us in so many different ways and most of the time we have no idea how big that impact can be. Our daily decisions have the ability to alter our future.

Yes, I do believe life would be sweet if we could control how other people act, think and react. But it shouldn't really be a shock to discover that we don't have that kind of control. And really I don't think that's what we want.

So 2 years and 4 months later, I am hitting the delete button. I am turning the page. Will these tears I have now as I type this post be the last tears I shed over this situation? No, I'm sure they won't be.

But for now I will relish in the simple act of hitting the delete button.